Jaws: The Revenge (92 minutes)

"Bloody hell! The breath on that thing!"

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I inadvertently gave myself a theme for this year’s Halloween posts. Once I noticed I was doing it, I couldn’t help myself but lean into the choices I’ve made. So, It’s CREATURE FEATURE month on The 90-Minute Movie! I love horror led by monsters, insects, animals and every other creature in between and I’m excited to share that with you here. We’re already at our third movie in the series (like I said, I didn’t do this intentionally but now that we’re here, we’re HERE, baby!) If you’re just stopping by go check out my posts on American Werewolf in London and Arachnophobia. I’ll also be sharing links at the bottom of this post to ALL my creature posts since this thing launched over a year ago.

Michael Caine is flying this plane

Ok! This week I am forcing myself to write about the absolute trash that is Jaws: The Revenge. I thought it could be the type of movie that’s so bad you have fun watching it. That is absolutely not the case. I had a headache by the time I was done because it was so exhausting to get through. Not cute! And oh my god, when I ever paused it and saw I was only 45 minutes in! I will never forget the sinking feeling in my stomach that I was only halfway done. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun here, right?

Right?

Jaws: The Revenge (1987, 90 minutes) has the simple but impossible plot of a great white shark seeking revenge on the Brody family. You don’t need to be well versed in Jaws, Jaws 2 or Jaws 3-D to enjoy watch this one. All you need to know is that our primary hero of the first movie, Chief Brody (Roy Scheider) is now dead and his widow Ellen (Lorraine Gary) is still living on Amity Island with her younger son Sean. Her oldest, Michael, is living in the Bahamas with his wife and daughter studying conch for an undisclosed reason. After Sean is horrifically attacked and killed one December night, Ellen is convinced that “The Shark” is out to get her family. When it later appears to follow her to the Bahamas for Christmas (yes really), it turns out she may be right. 

The only time the shark looks mildly convincing

When I sit down to enjoy a 90-minute movie there are a couple basic things I’m looking for: plot, character motivation, a point of view. A movie doesn’t even need to meet all three requirements for me to be able to suspend my disbelief or even enjoy it. You could even say I look for effort above all. Jaws: The Revenge is lacking all four. This movie has been torn to shreds online for years and I don’t want to spend all our time together complaining so what I am going to offer instead is a simple solution that could “fix” this movie. This idea of fixing isn’t mine and is inspired by my friends over at the formerly known as Fix a Flick (now merged with Give it Five to create No Flicks Given). 

I’m going to suggest something crazy to fix this one: REMOVE THE SHARK.

Stick with me.

The core problem of this movie is that none of the motivations of our characters, including the shark, make sense. How can Ellen feel the shark’s presence as soon as she puts her feet in the water? How does she have flashbacks to scenes she wasn’t present for? Why are these scenes all in sepia? (Ok, that has nothing to do with her character, but still.) Why does her son, Michael, hide the shark attacks from his family for so long, ultimately putting them in danger? And what story are we trying to tell with this shark who has a vendetta? Even after Hooper in the original Jaws tells us all: “… what we are dealing with here is a perfect engine, an eating machine. It's really a miracle of evolution. All this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharks, and that's all.” 

I know the shark doesn’t look like a strong swimmer but he does swim from LI to the Bahamas in two days so…

The interesting story isn’t that the shark is stalking them, but is how they manage and cope with the trauma of their lives. At this point Ellen and Michael have lost half their family but are still attempting to have a happy Christmas in the Bahamas. It makes more sense to me that Ellen, stricken with grief and looking for answers, is convinced the shark is following them. Her premonitions in the water are then not factual but anxieties and fear in her mind. It clarifies too that her sepia-colored flashbacks are not memories but her mind trying to make sense of trauma. Similarly, Michael’s choice to be a marine biologist could be a direct response to trying to overcome their family trauma. Instead of repeating over and over again, “It’s my job. It’s what I do.” I beg this movie to have feelings, to give its characters SOME introspection. Any at all would help! 

1/2 deaths in this movie is this poor woman on the banana boat

By removing the shark altogether we have an interesting take on trauma and PTSD. Sure, it’s not a Jaws movie anymore but neither is Jaws: The Revenge. The shark looks like shit and it roars like a lion (somehow) at the very end of the movie. So no, I don’t think I’m fucking with a classic here. I have since learned that the original script is based on a novelization in which the shark is under a Voodoo curse because Michael pissed off a local Bahamian. While this all feels very Weekend at Bernie’s II, it does at least give some context as to how and why a shark will travel from Long Island all the way to the Bahamas to torment some people. So I can appreciate it for that. 

Jaws: The Revenge might be one of the worst creature features I’ve watched and I wouldn’t waste your time on it unless you specifically asked me if I had a movie where a shark inexplicably explodes after being punctured by the pulpit of a boat. Or if I had one where Michael Caine plays a pilot with a gambling addiction. If you asked me either of those things than I’d say, “Boy, do I have a movie for you.” 

Can someone with a science degree explain this to me?

You can stream Jaws: The Revenge on Netflix and Peacock. 

Other creature features to check out:
Piranha (94 minutes)
Ticks (85 minutes)
The Lair of the White Worm (93 minutes)
Tremors (96 minutes)