The Reel Diaries: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
“I wonder if the things that remind me of you, remind you of me.”
Welcome to The 90-Minute Movie. And thank you for being here!
The Reel Diaries is a monthly segment about “life-changing” movies. A chance for me to dabble in a little personal essay writing instead of the usual critics I do. I hope you enjoy these as much as I do.
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I have never been to Montauk. When Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) was released, I made a promise to myself that I would one day go. It’s not a broken promise, just a pending one. It doesn’t help that the place has become incredibly over-the-top in the past twenty years since Joel and Clementine found one another again. In fact, it will be twenty years exactly on March 19th. And what better way to celebrate one of the most cerebral romantic comedies ever made, than to explore how this script and these characters changed an individual. (That individual is me by the way.)
I was at the incredibly raw age of 16 when Eternal Sunshine was released. I was exploring my very first relationship, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, staying out late, trying to pass my classes, and oh yes, figure out who the hell I was. (I should tell you that I found out a while ago that it’s an ongoing process but at that age I thought I could figure it out and then coast for the next 70 years.) I don’t need to tell you how celebrated this film is. You know. It’s been on lists of the best screenplays and movies of all time. The script won Charlie Kaufman and his co-writers an Academy Award and Kate Winslet a nomination. It is deeply beloved and I myself have had it on my list of top five favorite movies since the day I saw it. That’s powerful.
But why is it on that list?
Ok, so, technical aspects aside (and don’t get mad, but The Reel Diaries are about feeling, not the doing, after all), Eternal Sunshine taught me about heartache and as a person whose natural tendency is to avoid all discomfort and confrontation, that was important for my growth. Therapy wasn’t quite as mainstream in 2004, at least not in rural Massachusetts where I grew up, and so I often relied on books, film, and television to explore emotions and reflect whatever learnings I could glean back on to my own life.
Around this time I thought that I could avoid pain and discomfort if I treated everyone well, avoided conflict, and ignored my own feelings so everyone else could live peacefully. You can imagine how this thinking left me feeling and showing up in my life. But even with my tiptoeing around, some things couldn’t be outrun. Eternal Sunshine made me feel a little bit more brave. A little bit more willing to take risks in love. And Clementine (Kate Winslet) made me feel very seen. Aside from the vibrant hair color changes (which I was very much doing at the time) Clementine felt complicated and real in a way that was still rare for women in movies at the time. An article by K. Austin Collins from Vanity Fair explains how Clementine pushes against the Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope (not yet coined by Nathan Rabin btw, that would be in 2007). Her now famous line could (and probably should) be tattooed on me by now: “Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours."
On the outside I was trying to be a Manic Pixie Dream Girl (MPDG) - remember I was using movies to figure myself out - but it didn’t feel true, it didn’t feel right. The times when I just wanted to be my true self, I held back in honor of the MPDG. I chose to be fun all the time. Quirky. Exciting. Zesty and full of life. While on the inside I was being crushed under the weight of expectations, and choking on my many insecurities. I exuded silly, goofy, and often over the top. At night I scribbled line after line in my journal about how I simply wasn’t going to be enough. Clementine made it seem like not being enough was ok. That being fucked up might just be life. And the most important thing she and Joel (Jim Carrey) taught me is that being fucked up doesn’t preclude you from being loved.
Sure, it would be years and some therapy until I fully and consciously realized this. But at the time I simply felt seen and I felt safe. And that put Eternal Sunshine at the tippity top of my most loved movies list for that reason. It also safely landed there because I liked the idea of accepting pain for what it was and to stop running away from it (as I was so eager to do and still am eager to do.) I sat watching this movie thinking in my own 16-year-old way, “Is pain a catalyst for joy? Can dark feelings make way for light feelings? Do the dark ones make the light ones that much brighter?” This is some seriously heavy shit for someone drinking Smirnoff Ices out of a Nalgene on the weekends.
I wanted nothing else then a person to lay on the ice with. Look up at the stars and take a moment away from the harsh reality that is being trapped in your own decaying body and own busy mind. Eternal Sunshine made it feel like that was worth fighting for, but also worth going through even if it doesn’t work out in the end. Joel realizes pretty early on in his memory erasing procedure that he wants to keep his beautiful memories as painful as they are. What I love about Joel’s character is that he goes into the procedure looking to erase someone from his mind, but ends up confronting himself instead. And as we all know, you can’t escape yourself. What’s that saying? Wherever you go, there you are? It’s that. It’s less about resilience and more about approaching, seeing, feeling, and living with pain.
When we approach movies we often want to talk about their technical excellence. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is technically excellent. Cinematographer Ellen Kuras was challenged by Director Michel Gondry to shoot exclusively in natural light and a lot of the memory erasure shots are highly technical (and practical) effects. But, when people tell me about their favorite movies I want to know the real why. Like, I understand you love a well-made film, that’s easy! What touches your heart? Where were you when you saw this that changed it for you? There are some really crappy movies out there I love because of where I was and who I was with the first time I saw it. These details matter. I encourage you to explore your own.
I saved reading this post for a lovely rainy morning and a cup of coffee. thank you for writing this. i love this movie too and just used clementine as inspiration for the character work i did on a play. the quote of hers that you pulled out will forever sit in my heart. <3
I love this film so much and saw it multiple times when it was released. I really enjoyed reading about your personal experience with it, from when you were 16 and then looking back at it now. There's a course a lot of value with dissecting film from a didactic viewpoint and I enjoy pieces that do that ... but much more enjoyable to get an in-depth analysis like yours. Especially with a film like "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", which I cannot fathom is going to be 20 years old! Anyway, great writing as always, Amanda.