Money Train (110 Minutes)
For a movie called Money Train, we spend a whole HECK of a lot of time not talking about the money train.
I risked it all (going up to my max time limit) for Money Train and you’re probably wondering if it was worth it. As far as movies go? No, it wasn’t. But for the purpose of this newsletter? Hell yeah absolutely. LFG.
Money Train (1995) came about because everyone just LOVED the chemistry between Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson in White Men Can’t Jump. This movie was so hotly anticipated the trailer doesn’t even have their last names in it. It just drops “WESLEY” and then “WOODY.” (Shoutout to my partner Frank for pointing out that fun detail.) I have to appreciate that rather than do a sequel, which I am never a fan of, the studio decided to just do a brand new movie and story for these two.
[Shit. I am suddenly realizing this movie is probably why no one does that anymore and they just keep churning out sequels and prequels and multiverses. Shit.]
Anyway, audiences wanted these two back and Hollywood made it happen. They just didn’t make it happen well.
The most frustrating aspect of this movie is that our leads plus Jennifer Lopez, playing the teammate/romantic interest, are all talented and do what they can. The script is just… terrible. And not in the way that can happen when we go back and watch old movies. It’s terrible on any scale, in any year. It distracts itself and is unable to multitask.
The script sets up four major plot points:
1 - Charlie (Woody Harrelson) is in $15K worth of gambling debt
2 - Charlie and John (Wesley Snipes) both fall for Grace (Jennifer Lopez) and thus there is a love triangle (of sorts)
3 - A man nicknamed Torch (Chris Cooper) is terrorizing the subway system
4 - Transit Captain Donald Peterson (Robert Blake) has it out for Charlie and John and desires to ruin their careers (for no real reason other than he’s a racist, sexist, and overall horrible human)
As you can see, for a movie called Money Train, we spend a whole HECK of a lot of time not talking about the money train.
Given that this movie’s logline is, “A vengeful New York City transit cop decides to steal a trainload of subway fares. His foster brother, a fellow cop, tries to protect him,” you would think we’d spend most of our time with Charlie planning his heist and John trying to stop him. Well, you would be very, very WRONG. From about minute 30 to minute 90 (so, an entire hour) the heist doesn’t really come up. The guys are busy with their job as transit cops, which seems to only entail running entrapment schemes on pickpockets, fighting over who loves Grace, and drinking in their local pub. In fact, it is fairly early that John gives Charlie the $15K he needs to pay off his debtors but Charlie loses it-- not by gambling-- but to an elderly pickpocket on the subway. This pickpocket never comes back into play. One and done. The Torch also never plays into the larger plot points of the story, he’s around for the middle hour and then they catch him. One and done.
If Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg are the superheroes of set-ups, pay-offs, and callbacks then Doug Richardson (credited for the story) is their archnemesis. Nothing comes back to the larger story at hand and so much of it feels like a waste of time. Why do we care about the Torch? Sure the fact that he lights subway booth workers on fire is terrifying, but how does he change our story and our characters? At the very least the Torch could have interrupted or aided the money train heist. But there is nothing. I am not saying every movie needs to be as tight and honestly, kind of cute as an Edgar Wright movie is, but you have to give us a reason for spending so much time on certain things. Otherwise, we’ll just go outside and live our random lives.
There’s no clear villain for a long time. In fact, I don’t know if we wind up with a convincing one. It is supposed to be the Transit Captain… but not for a real plot-driven reason. He’s the villain because he’s a total piece of shit. He’s racist and sexist and reckless. He almost kills an entire train of people just to save the MTA’s daily earnings. His character has no motivation other than to protect the MTA’s money, which isn’t enough to keep this shitshow together. He does have this bizarre line— “I’ll fuck ya dead.” Which feels like a phrase a bully sputters out without realizing what they’re actually saying. It’s like Shooter McGaving in Happy Gilmore saying he eats pieces of shit for breakfast. Like, bro, what?
Also… and I feel terrible tearing Doug Richardson down because I don’t know the man… but the next story he worked on was Welcome to Mooseport (2005) and that movie is notorious for being the reason Gene Hackman retired from acting. So… not a good look for old Doug.
On top of it all, Money Train is very obsessed with Jennifer Lopez, and I mean, so am I, but I don’t think audiences were headed to the theaters to see a romance between her and Wesley Snipes unfold. The movie gets so in the weeds with the love triangle I honestly yelled at the TV “What about Charlie’s debt?!” I do think there was a way to weave all of these stories together in a cohesive way, it just never happens. Notice how I say “weave”. Ideally, we’re moving between plot points and seeing them come together in the end. The movie is called Money Train! Give us the goods! Everything should be tied back to that very key part of the story.
While researching this movie I found that Lopez recently spoke out about her experience filming her sex scene with Wesley Snipes. Please note, I found a lot of sources for this information and it appears she never named Snipes but through context clues, it is fairly obvious who she is talking about. Lopez shares that the sex scene was never in the script and she felt extremely pressured by Snipes to do it. “It was awful. I felt violated. I swore I'd never work with him again.”
And why am I not surprised at all? The sex scene felt extremely out of place, extremely graphic, and extremely long. Snipes was paid $5.5 million for his role, so there’s no doubt in my mind that if he wanted something added to the script, he would get it. The entire ordeal sounds horrendous and I am quite pleased this movie flopped for the stars but that J. Lo was able to move on to a successful career.
And that’s what I will take away from this mess— J. Lo kicked off her career. I’ll take it I guess.
References:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Money_Train_(soundtrack)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Money_Train#:~:text=Reception-,Box%20office,it%20as%20a%20%22bomb%22.